Your happiness quotient – multiplied
An army officer and an ore trader weren’t allowed to walk into a bar.
One thought it was a major problem, and the other thought it was a miner one.
They told me I passed with flying colors.
Old accountants never die, they just open an account elsewhere.
Old programmers never die, they just enter a new metaverse.
Old actors never die, they just play a new role.
Oops!
Why can the Neutron never be an atheist?
Because it must have Mass.
If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar-ships.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff? ” the frustrated student blurted out. “To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives? “The professor stared at the student without saying a word. “Physics saves lives,” he finally continued, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school. “
Why didn’t anyone want the biologist’s new book?
It was a hard cell.
These quotes and one liners were shared by Wai Mun Koo on projectmanagement.com
Any task, no matter how complex, can be estimated accurately, once it’s completed.
You can bully a project manager into committing to an impossible project completion date, but you cannot bully him into meeting it.
Why do project managers wear Nike but sponsors prefer Adidas? – The answer is in the slogans, Nike: “Just Do It”, Adidas: “Impossible is nothing”.
A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would anyway melt when heat is applied.
A user is somebody who tells you what they really want the day you give them what they first asked for.
Project manager is, in a way, like Pinocchio except that the project manager’s project gets longer for each lie he or she tells.
There’s never enough time to do it right first time, but there’s always enough time to go back and do it again.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
The sooner you fall behind the project schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
What is another name for Steering Committee? – “Staring Committee”.
What is the most common item that pops up in lessons learned meeting? – “We need to remember to conduct lessons learned meeting”.
Everyone asks for a strong project manager – when they get them they don’t want them.
The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
When everything runs well, you call it ‘Agile’. But when things start to break apart, you change the word to ‘Fragile’.
The biggest risk in a project is, ironically, the project manager paying no attention to the risk management part of the project.
Remember the lesson from the ‘Three Little Pigs’ – cheap and fast never last.
A project gets a year late one day at a time.
I heard they said the lesson learned meeting is a good place to start the ‘Blamestorming’.
Mess up once, it’s a mistake. Twice, it’s a process. Three times, it’s policy.
