Jim Hacker: Humphrey, we have to do something about Iran.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Prime Minister, the government is already doing a great deal.
Jim Hacker: Such as?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Monitoring developments, coordinating with allies, reviewing contingency plans and expressing concern.
Jim Hacker: That all sounds like nothing, Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: On the contrary, Prime Minister. In diplomacy it is vital to appear active without becoming involved.
Jim Hacker: The Americans are bombing things, the Iranians are firing missiles, the Strait of Hormuz is practically closed and we’re… appearing active?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Precisely.
Jim Hacker: Innocent people are dying, Humphrey!
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, Prime Minister. That is why the Foreign Office is drafting a very strongly worded statement about it.
Jim Hacker: A statement won’t stop a war.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: No, Prime Minister, but it will ensure that we are on record as having been extremely concerned while it was happening.
Bernard Woolley: If I may, Prime Minister — the Cabinet Office has identified six possible courses of action.
Jim Hacker: Good! What are they?
Bernard Woolley: We can condemn the escalation, call for restraint, urge negotiations, support our allies, assist defensive operations or participate directly.
Jim Hacker: And what do they recommend?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Supporting our allies.
Jim Hacker: That sounds suspiciously like participating.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Oh no, Prime Minister. Participating means fighting. Supporting merely means allowing others to fight from places that technically belong to us.
Jim Hacker: Humphrey, if Iranian missiles hit one of our bases, we’ll be in the war anyway!
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, Prime Minister, but we shall have entered it with the invaluable diplomatic advantage of being surprised.
Bernard Woolley: It’s generally considered the safest way to enter a war, Prime Minister.
Jim Hacker: How on earth can that be safe?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Because if the war goes badly, we can say we never meant to join it. And if it goes well, we can say we were there all along.
