My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said “To be honest, I didn’t even know he played cricket!”
Category: English Jokes
classics, English Jokes
The CEO of a large multinational company fell ill on a day when he had tickets to see a grand concert. As a gesture of kindness, he gave the tickets to the company’s Efficiency Expert to enjoy the concert with his wife.
Next morning, the CEO was surprised to find a report on his table, written by their Efficiency Expert and this is what it said:
Dear Sir,
Thank you for sending me to the concert last evening with my wife. My observations are as follows:
The highlight of the evening was Schubert’s unfinished symphony. Although personally I think unfinished works should be disqualified, I did watch the performance and here are some, but not all, of the malfunctions I found:
- The most obvious problem was that they had 22 violinists playing the exact same tune. Such reckless waste! I believe that at least 21 of them should be fired.
- The drummer was doing nothing for long stretches of time. I would suggest he be put on a different clock, so we can keep an eye on him and only pay him when he actually does any work.
- Many of the musical segments kept repeating themselves, and I fail to understand the point of having the flutes play the same segment as the Oboes. If we can cut down on these repetitions, we can finish the symphony in 20 minutes instead of 2 hours.
- Regarding the equipment: I noticed a horrible lack of standardization when it comes to musical instruments, and especially when it comes to string instruments. I’ve seen small ones, big ones, one you hold under your chin and some you hold between your legs. I think that one size for all these instruments will save time, money and confusion, as well as make maintenance easier.
- The conductor, the most senior employee, did not play as much as a single tune the entire concert, and showed a complete lack of respect to the customers, while standing with his back (his back!) to the audience. There were even a few times he was threatening his staff with a stick, which should never be allowed publicly. I would suspend him with no pay until we can get to the bottom of this. Psychological counselling may be advised.
To summarize: I am quite sure that if Mr. Schubert had avoided these issues, he would have managed to finish his work, instead of leaving us with an unfinished symphony!
Kind regards,
Corporate Efficiency Enhance Expert…!!!
English Jokes
Two students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
Flip walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said one, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
Flip: Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.
He loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. He then took the measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
The second engineer shook his head and laughed and said – We needed the height, and he gave us the length!
English Jokes
Who is the leader of the corn army?
The kernal.
English Jokes
Farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed.
English Jokes
If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore…
It will be a monumental disaster.
English Jokes
This is one of those classic jokes of India.
Some fifty/sixty years ago, the Station Director of All India Radio, Calcutta spent 2½ Annas on a mutton leg to entice the tiger to roar during the recording of a children’s program on a zoo visit.
Audit objected to it stating that he had no authority to incur expenditure on such an item. He was asked to remit the money, fix responsibility and take steps to prevent such defaults in future.
The station director’s office replied that he had the delegated powers to spend on the entertainment of artists who participate in recorded programs.
Citing the definition of an artist from the official manual that there should be a contract between the AIR and the artist, Audit asked the station director to produce a copy of the contract signed with the tiger.
The station director’s office replied that the manuals allowed him to waive the requirements in the case of VIPs who are requested to participate in programs, and since the tiger is a Royal Bengal Tiger (certificate of the zoo authorities attached), the station Director after careful consideration had decided to waive the execution of the contract considering that the tiger had not insisted on any fee for its performance.
The Audit Officer accepted the reply and dropped the objection in view of the clarification.
English Jokes, Just Indian Things, Quotes and one lIners
Santa: What’s Bruce Lee’s favourite pageant?
Banta: Don’t know.
Santa: Diwa Lee.