Tag: English Jokes
English Jokes
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of an emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
puns
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’
The other says, ‘Are you sure?’
The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
English Jokes
“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain
“At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves.”
– George Orwell
“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”
– Ann Lander
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
– Sir Norman Wisdom
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”
– Andy Rooney
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”
– Larry Lorenzon
“I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?”
– Barry Cryer
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”
– Maurice Chevalier
“Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.”
– J. Norman Collie
“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”
-Mark Twain
“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.”
– Anonymous
English Jokes
I once took a test on waving signal flags.
They told me I passed with flying colors.
English Jokes
What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?
Oops!
English Jokes
If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar-ships.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff? ” the frustrated student blurted out. “To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives? “The professor stared at the student without saying a word. “Physics saves lives,” he finally continued, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school. “
English Jokes, Quotes and one lIners
Why didn’t anyone want the biologist’s new book?
It was a hard cell.