Tag: Best jokes on the internet
English Jokes, Videos
- Your stock after you exit it.
- Horse to Jockey: You chill mate, let me show them Bro!
- Kid after exiting top school
- Me to my therapist
English Jokes
TBR – To Be Read
Quotes and one lIners
Sometimes its hard to tell whether you are carving a niche for yourself or digging a hole!
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There was a time when the artist had to suffer. Now, its the viewer.
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I’d like to apply for a credit card. I am tired of my cheques bouncing all over the place.
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To err is human. To forgive, infrequent.
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Gather ye rosebuds where ye may, florists are very expensive.
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Anybody who can still do at 60 what s/he was doing at 20, wasn’t doing much at 20.
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Nothing can spoil a class reunion like running into the guy who has all his hair, married your girl, and made his money from computers.
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Tolerance is based on patience, respect, and the suspicion that the other fellow may be right.
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The problem with doing nothing is, you never know when you are done.
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No two people are exactly alike, and chances are, both are glad of it.
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life isn’t a bed of roses or a bowl of cherries. Its a bunch of raisins – raisin’ kids, raisin’ hell, and raisin’ money.
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Now that I finally have it all together, I’ve forgotten where i put it!
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Nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it themselves.
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If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
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Ideas are a lot like children – our own are wonderful!
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A well-adjusted person is someone who can make the same mistake twice without being nervous.
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The trouble with work is – its so daily.
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Constructive criticism is when I criticise you. Destructive criticism is when you criticise me.
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God is not a cosmic bellboy for whom we can press a button to get things.
English Jokes
Diplomacy: Laying another’s life for one’s country.
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The duties of our leaders great who occupy the thrones
Are to address gatherings and lay foundation stones.
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Minister: A person who causes a mini-stir wherever he goes.
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Flattery is like cologne water – to be smelled, but not swallowed.
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Joint Account: An account in which one person deposits and the other withdraws.
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Money: The mint makes it first, and it is up to us to make it last.
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Optimism: A cheerful frame of mind that enables the kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.
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I don’t know who wrote these witty quotes. They are all from my childhood diaries.
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Life begins at 40, but only a fool would wait that long.
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Calories don’t count. They multiply.
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Floods are rivers too big for their bridges.
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The good thing about growing old is that you only have to do it once.
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Shock absorbers in buses are called passengers.
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If you think a dog can’t count, try putting three biscuits in your pocket and giving your dog only two.
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The modern economy has changed many a nest’s egg into chicken feed.
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We are born with mouths open and eyes closed, and we spend our entire lives trying to reverse that mistake of nature.
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Compromise is the art of dividing the cake so that everyone thinks they got the largest piece.
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Don’t avoid any chairs until you run smack into one. And then, you will have a chair to sit on.
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The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
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For every problem, there is a neat, simple solution, and its always wrong.
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When all else fails, read the instructions.
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GOD is real, unless declared as an integer.
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In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
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The solution to a problem changes the problem.
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When the bad has become worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
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Grapevine: The only communication system in no danger of being replaced by electronics.
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Hospital: A place where a patient’s friends meet to tell him their symptoms.
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English Jokes
A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.
After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.
-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?
-Well, says the director，once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If they answer it correctly, then they are cured and are free to go.
The director gathers three patients for a demonstration.
-So, resident 121, what is six times six?
-One thousand? says the first one.
-Well no, that’s another year here for you.
The director proceeds to ask the second patient the same question.
-Well, the answer is February.
-My God… No, no it isn’t. You’re staying here one more year.
Finally, the director asks the question to the third patient.
-What is six times six?
-Obviously it 36.
The director cheers the third patient and proceeds to comunicate the asylum staff he’s ready to leave. The new guy asks the patient before he leaves:
-Good job answering correctly. How did you know it?
-Well, it was easy. I divided one thousand by February..