Category: Quotes and one lIners

More One Liners..

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English Jokes, Quotes and one lIners

I have a very clear conscience. It has never been used.

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

I can’t even count the number of times I failed Maths at school.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

I like your opera. Perhaps I will set it to music. – Mozart

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.

Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.

One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?”

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

One Liners

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Quotes and one lIners

This is part of our compilation of the most hilarious one liners. Each one will make you laugh a lot. But the best part is, each post has an almost endless scroll.

Enjoy!

When all is said and done, as a rule, more is said than done.

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I believe there should be bulk export of people who advise me to take life seriously.

– Saki, from ‘Reginald on Fiscal matters’.

My jokes are delivered with such a straight face that they always fall flat.

The Hall was decorated with Japanese fans and Chinese lanterns, giving it a very old English look.

  • Saki, in Reginald’s Christmas revel

What fits your schedule better……Exercising 1 hour a day or being unwell 24 hours a day?

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

He has a questionable past and absolutely no future.

  • Erle Stanley Gardner.

I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.

Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favor.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.  

  • Groucho Marx

Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

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The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

  • Erma Bombeck

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me… it’s gossip.

  • Erma Bombeck

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. 

  • DamienFahey

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. 

  • Comedian Dick Gregory

Moses had the first tablet that connected to the Cloud.