Category: English Jokes

Prayers for Hearing

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English Jokes

A divine healer in a Kerala church called out, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed for, come forward to the front”.
Hearing that, Kunjappan got in line and when it was his turn, the Pastor asked, “What do you want me to pray for you?”
Kunjappan replied, “Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on Kunjappan’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Kunjappan’s head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: “Kunjappan, how is your hearing now?”

Kunjappan answered, “I don’t know. My hearing is actually next Thursday at the Ernakulam High Court!

Sports Mechanic

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English Jokes

Three middle-aged women are sitting on a park bench discussing their children.

“My son William studied Architecture at Cambridge. He’s 25 years old now and he makes £70, 000 a year at Bregmann and Hamann, ” the first woman says.

“My son Charlie read law at Oxford. He’ll be turning 23 in October and he makes £100, 000 a year at Shoe Lane Chambers, ” says the second woman.

“My son Max didn’t go to university. He left school at the age of 16, as a matter of fact. He’s 30 now, but he makes half a million a year working as a sports mechanic in London, ” the third woman says.

“I’ve heard of car mechanics, plane mechanics, and typewriter mechanics, but not a sport mechanic. What’s that? ” the first woman asks.

“Well, you know, he fixes rugby matches, football matches, tennis matches…. “

Quotable Quotes

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English Jokes

Diplomacy: Laying another’s life for one’s country. 

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The duties of our leaders great who occupy the thrones 

Are to address gatherings and lay foundation stones. 

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Minister: A person who causes a mini-stir wherever he goes. 

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Flattery is like cologne water – to be smelled, but not swallowed. 

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Joint Account: An account in which one person deposits and the other withdraws. 

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Money: The mint makes it first, and it is up to us to make it last. 

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Optimism: A cheerful frame of mind that enables the kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose. 

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I don’t know who wrote these witty quotes. They are all from my childhood diaries. 

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Life begins at 40, but only a fool would wait that long. 

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Calories don’t count. They multiply. 

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Floods are rivers too big for their bridges. 

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The good thing about growing old is that you only have to do it once. 

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Shock absorbers in buses are called passengers. 

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If you think a dog can’t count, try putting three biscuits in your pocket and giving your dog only two. 

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The modern economy has changed many a nest’s egg into chicken feed. 

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We are born with mouths open and eyes closed, and we spend our entire lives trying to reverse that mistake of nature. 

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Compromise is the art of dividing the cake so that everyone thinks they got the largest piece. 

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Don’t avoid any chairs until you run smack into one. And then, you will have a chair to sit on. 

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The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 

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For every problem, there is a neat, simple solution, and its always wrong. 

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When all else fails, read the instructions. 

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GOD is real, unless declared as an integer. 

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In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 

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The solution to a problem changes the problem. 

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When the bad has become worse, the cycle will repeat itself. 

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Grapevine: The only communication system in no danger of being replaced by electronics. 

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Hospital: A place where a patient’s friends meet to tell him their symptoms. 

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